Valentine’s Wisdom: Love Shouldn’t Hurt

Now, with a title like that, I bet you are expecting me to supply 10 reasons to give a problematic relationship the old heave-ho, right? After all, there’s not enough time in a day, not enough time in a life for this aggravation and disappointment, right? Maybe you’ve got someone in your life that isn’t even going to pause for Valentine’s Day long enough to buy a red card, get you red flowers or show you in some over the top, money-spilling way how valuable and loved you are. Get rid of HIM or HER. Get another person in your life who will do those things, Right? Surely if you ditch them there’s got to be someone new who’d do those things for you without THINKING.

Nope. I’m not going to tell you that. Not this time. The truth is, there IS a secret to getting the love you want. It is to BE the LOVE you want. To get love you must BE love. It isn’t about changing partners and hoping you’ll draw a better card next time. It IS about expressing the love in your heart without expectations of how it is expressed back to you. Love is an exchange not a purchase. Love is a currency bought with Love. Remember too that people show love in different ways. So, maybe your idea of love is a big box of chocolate and his is a foot massage.

To be clear, I exclude about abusive situations. I will never be one to advise anyone who is suffering true mental or physical abuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Ever.

I’m talking about the vast gray area that most of us live in. Call it dysfunction, call it imperfection, call it what you will. I don’t care who you are, even in the healthiest of relationships there is always going to be some degree of dissatisfaction and downright taking each other for granted. At times, it may even get intense.  Your partner will disappoint you. There are going to be Valentine’s Day’s that you can barely muster a smile. There will be birthdays missed and inappropriate and uninspired Christmas or anniversary gifts. It is going to happen, no matter how romantic or doting your partner once was.

So why then, do I say that love shouldn’t hurt and what do I mean by it? I mean that you can be the instrument of change in your own life. If your love is hurting because of things like this. If you’ve been thinking, he doesn’t…she used to…why can’t he just? It’s probably time to ask yourself, “What am I doing differently in this relationship. Am I being loving? Am I being doting? Am I emotionally and physically available to my partner?” Remember, you must to be love to get love. If you aren’t feeling loved, the answer, my friend, isn’t blowing in the wind, it’s in your own heart.

This Valentine’s go ahead, stage something sexy and thrill him in that new negligee.  Get her those dozen roses. Or don’t. Maybe just set a little time aside from busy lives to consider each other’s eyes and whisper a sincere affirmation. This alone may buy you at least one day of good favor, maybe even a week!

I won’t leave you there because I know that for a more lasting happy relationship you’re going to need to expand your repertoire. So, here’s, my relationship box of chocolates, just for you! No need to press the bottom to find the good ones. They’re all yummy. Promise.

Happy Relationship Rules
  • You get to be RIGHT or you get to be happy, sometimes not both at the same time. If you insist that you are right, you may end up in a fight. Learn to say, “I think I’m right, but I could be wrong.
  • If it bothers YOU, it’s up to YOU to fix it, not the other person.
  • Give only what you can freely give without expecting to be thanked or appreciated. If you expect something in return you have just set up a HIDDEN BARGAIN that your mate has not agreed to. Negotiate openly. Hidden bargains are deadly.
  • If it doesn’t put you into sacrifice, go the extra mile to bank goodwill between you and your partner.
  • Never SPEAK a jealous word to your mate. Talk about your fears with your friends or therapist instead.
  • GIVE what you want to GET. If you want more affection, give more affection. If you want more kindness, give it.
  • “Flirting vitamins” are necessary for everyone. They help your relationship last. So, flirt with each other EVERY day!
  • Your partner is your PLAYMATE not your maid, gardener, repairman, or cook. Carve out one day or at least one evening a week to PLAY together, alone. Go away alone too, as often as you can afford.
  • Agree to a 30-day statute of limitations for using events from the past in an argument.
  • INCREASE your expectations of yourself, REDUCE your expectations of your mate.
  • Don’t hit below the belt when fighting. Hitting below the belt is using a confidence shared as a weapon
  • Watch your TONE. Bad Tone and bad body language can wound as surely as words.
  • Don’t expect 100% peace. Small spats may be necessary to keep your sexual juices flowing, so, don’t aim for zero disagreement.
  • Don’t ever ask “Do you (still) love me?” Quit constantly taking the temperature of your relationship or you will make it ill!
  • Accept your mate EXACTLY as he or she is TODAY. Changing him or her is not an option available to you. Your only options are to change yourself and your attitude towards your mate, or leave
  • The most successful and long lasting relationships aren’t ALWAYS filled with high drama and passion. They are as comfortable as an old shoe. You feel utterly safe to be your naked, real self and you KNOW that you are loved.

I can help you with this, call for a free consultation or just click and send me a message. Happy Valentine’s Day! Dr. Bonnie Lyon (805) 286-8606